Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: