I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words