Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
👾👾👾
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?