if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I wish all tests were things you peed on
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.