C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.