Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
i think we should see other cousins
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.