[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Ain’t no way
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”