*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?