What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Ferrari squats
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”