“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Hamburger Hinderer.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Pickled cat.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees