Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Interior design 👌
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My boss called in sick of me
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.