Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
absolute chaos
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.