When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
You Might Also Like
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.