[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.