I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Dietest Coke
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”