My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Jurassic park gets weird
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Spring cleaning checklist…
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
What’s so funny?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download