pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower