Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: