wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
You Might Also Like
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?