WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Good morning, Twitter 😊
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.