Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
A double negative is a big no-no.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY