Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost