doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
You Might Also Like
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.