Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler