Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?