Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face