“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Sharon I have some bad news
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.