too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I鈥檓 not sure if they鈥檙e trying to be sexy or if they鈥檝e just been shot.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald鈥檚 menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I don鈥檛 have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog鈥檚 bladder.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I鈥檓 not gonna be picky.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it鈥檚 just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I鈥檓 like dude we don鈥檛 have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you鈥檙e just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can鈥檛 lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.