tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.