I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me trying to look natural in photos
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.