CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
absolute chaos
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.