Smooooooth
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My dog ate my work from home.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!