next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Vodka burrito was a success
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.