“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
You Might Also Like
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
💻🤡
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes