A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Unimpressed
titanic
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”