Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I see your IQ test came back negative
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home