I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine