My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One