one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.