It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Every. Damn. Time.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”