[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Not all heroes wear capes…
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My god she’s good.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really