[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.