-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.