My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.