USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
What personal space?
My dog
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…