Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Many hands make light work
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.