NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.