So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot