[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You Might Also Like
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
oh u like geography? name every lake
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
United Steaks of America
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I missed you with all my darts
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.