My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Monday
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.